I had spoken to the teachers and teaching assistant for his class and also they had spoken to the hospital and had basic training from the peadiactric outreach nurse. One good thing is that Billy had been attending school for 2 terms already and the teacher and TA knew him well so hopefully would pick up on any changes to him.
Billy had missed 2 weeks of school whilst he was in hospital but the doctors were happy and they thought it would be a good idea for him to go back. I was so so nervous. I had visions of him picking him up and he would have picked up all kinds of bugs. What if he got really ill by going back to school, should i just keep him off for a couple months and make sure he couldn't get any bugs?
I went through my fears with Pippa who was brilliant. She said these were the fears any parent going through what I was would have. She said I couldn't wrap him up in cotton wool, he could pick some of the bugs up from anywhere, any visitors coming round to see us could have a bug so what was I going to do, stay in and not go anywhere or see anyone or let Billy have a bit of normality? She even pointed out he could pick something up at hospital which we had to go to.
She also made me see that it was better for Billy if he was well enough to go to school and see all the other children, It would help his self confidence and make him feel less like he was different with the changes to him with the treatment. It would also help the other children accept things more eaily as they would get used to the gradual changes as opposed to him being off for ages and going back looking totally different, especially with his hair which would come out over a matter of time.
I knew what they were saying was true but it still didn't stop me worrying. I had just found out one of the most worst things possible about Billy and now I was letting him be 'taken' away from where I could protect him. I admit I was scared and I was so so worried that if he got ill it could kill him. This may seem a bit over the top but I had no idea what was going to happen if he got chicken pox or anything else at all.
That first afternoon back I made sure he had eaten and drunk well, made sure he had enough clothes incase he got could and packed a bag with his blue book, thermometer and other bits. I drove him down rather than walk cause I was so scared about him getting cold or getting germs! When we got to go school the other mums at the gate were lovely and the kids were pleased to see him.. The teacher and TA were great and made Billy feel right at home straight away. I thought he might be a bit clingy but he was fine.
Walking away and leaving him at school felt so so odd. They had promised to call me if anything happened or if he felt at all ill. He was still very embarrassed about his port and he didn't like anyone seeing or touching it and the school were very aware they needed to be a bit careful of the port and that it ws still healing. I knew they would look after him, but there was still a nagging doubt in my head incase I was doing the wrong thing.
Its one of the things they tell you about, the guilt, the blame. When I first read it in one of the leaflets I was sure I wouldn't let it effect me but it does. I felt so guilty for everything, was it my fault he has leukaemia, had I done something that had caused him to develop it? And now was i doing the right thing in letting him go back?
I was waiting for a phone call the whole time he was there. But one didn't come, when I picked him up he was so excited full of the joys of being back. The teachers said he had a brilliant day and was a joy to have back. It seemed to have done his confidence a bit of good and he had enjoying just being a child not being a child who has leukaemia.
Maybe things were going to go back a bit more to normal.
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