5 little words

Well that was it, five little words, 'we think Billy has leukaemia' and my world was destroyed. Not turned upside down, not a bit different, destroyed. The 19th April 2010 the day our world was never the same again. I can honestly say that I have never ever been told news like it.  Billy was my baby, my world.  I felt sick, I felt dizzy I felt numb. My immediate reaction was to grab hold of Billy and hold him tight.  He just decided to shout at the consultant and ask him why he had made his mum cry! He had no idea what the words meant, this I guess is a good thing.

Martin, Nikki and my mum were great, I think they could see I was in so much shock. Martin did try and say more but I couldn't tell you what he said.  What was I going to do? Why was this happening to us? Was he right, was Billy ill.

The first thing I said was "are you sure". I needed someone to say no actually we might be wrong he could have something else, something that wasn't a cancer.  But Martin replied we are 99.9% sure there is a small possibility is could be a rare virus but that is a minute chance. Ok so this was as bad as it could get, or could it be the virus.  My mind was on overdrive.

I remember just holding Billy and then looking at him, wondering why this had happened to him, he was just a baby, an innocent, a child with so much life in front of him.  I was vaguely aware of my mum trying to hug me and being in tears herself. I think Nikki tried to hold my hand but I can't be sure the whole thing is a blur.

Martin gave me a minute then told me what was going to happen next.  We needed to go to Southampton hospital for a Bone Marrow test the next morning.  This would confirm Billy had leukaemia and what type of leukaemia he had.  I wasn't even aware there were different types of Leukaemia, now I'm a bit of an expert. He said they were expecting us this afternoon by 3 so they could talk to me, see Billy and start things going.  It was best if we went then as Billy would need to be starved from midnight.

Then suddenly, bang, another emotion took over, fear. Was my baby going to be ok? Was my baby going to die, I didn't know a lot about Leukaemia at all at this point all I knew was it was a cancer and in my mind cancer was deadly.  Oh my god, my child had cancer. Why did he have it, what was going to happen to him. I couldn't cope with this at all.  You hear the stories of children dying from Leukaemia was this going to happen to Billy?

Its just me and Billy so I didn't have anyone who could really truly share what I was feeling, he's just my son and no one would understand.

I made my worst fear vocal, I asked Martin was he going to die? Martin couldn't answer that. That made me worse, tears were falling at a mad speed now. All that was going through my mind was the worst case scenario, why was this happening? Was it my fault? Through all this Martin and Nikki were brilliant, they didn't try and stop me from saying what I needed to and made me feel like they had all the time in the world.

Martin said use his phone to phone whoever I needed to somehow I managed to phone work. Tina was amazing, she let me cry down the phone as I explained I wouldn't be back in and I wasn't sure when I would be back. Unbeknown to me Martin had already spoken to my gp and arranged a sick note to cover the first two weeks I would need.  I then phoned Billy's nursery to let them know he wouldn't be back in and could they let the school know.

Nursery too were great, I sobbed my heart out as I tried to explain. The manager said he would sort everything, not to worry just to get myself and Billy sorted out. I made one more phone call in the office to my good friend Steve and asked him to let a few others know.  Once I had told people it was even more real, there was still a part of me hoping that they were wrong it was a virus but in my heart of hearts I knew.

Martin went through the arrangements, what we would need, who to ask for etc. To be honest a lot of this went over my head, i still kept cuddling Billy. The only question I asked was would we be able to shower up there.Bizarre but that's what went though my head!  I didn't want him out of my sight or even out of my arms.  My mum then phoned my Dad to see if he would take us to Southampton hospital as I wasn't in the frame of mind to drive.

After what now seems like 15 minutes but what must have been about an hour, I got up to go.  When I stood up I was shaking.  When I walked into the room life was normal, now what was going to happen to us, was life going to be normal ever again?  I remember walking out of the ward thinking everyone was staring at me as I was crying, truth is I doubt anyone was but it felt like it.

I arranged what time I would be picked up then we walked out into the sunshine.  I phoned Steve back and was shaking and crying he was so so good, just told me everything was going to be ok

Somehow I made it home, its only a mile away but it seemed further.  Billy was asking me the whole way what was wrong.  I had to pull myself together and act normal so he didn't get worried.  I told him we were going on a  little holiday so they could make him better.  He seemed fine with this and we got home, got packed and washed and ready.  He took some of  his toys, including the new bakugan I'd bought him.  I had a few more tears when he wasn't watching.

My best friend phoned, she could barely understand me but when she did she was in tears too.  I was under strict instructions to phone as soon as I knew more.  Suddenly my parents were there to take us to Southampton.  The next part was about to begin...