My best friend came down on a combination of buses and trains to be with me and I was so glad to see her. She asked the questions I didn't want to or hadn't thought of and let me talk and talk. She was fantastic when the Clic Sargent social worker came in and helped me fill out some of the forms. She had brought her daughter down with her and Billy was so pleased to see her and had fun in the playroom with her.
The morning still dragged though, it was a waiting game and I kept staring at the clock wishing it was that evening and it was all over and done with. I wished he had been on the morning list so it would have been all over with by now. He was on the list that started at 1 and the ward were told he would be one of the first down, this comforted me as I knew it would be easier.
It was so hard as Billy started to get hungry by 11 but was quite good when we said no to him, it was hard though when the food for the ward came up. You could smell it too which must have been so hard, he even went up and looked at the trolley. Kirsty was fantastic and didn't eat in front of hm and they went down to get some food.
As the waiting continued the more things went on in my head. Was this the right thing to do for him, was the port completely safe? Did they ever go wrong, would it hurt much? Would he get used to it? The consultants and nurses had assured me that it was completely safe. They worked really well and there were next to no problems. Billy would be able to do so much more with the port and his life would be so much easier and would be more back to normal. I kept mulling it over but I was sure that they were right.
So much for us being first on the list, 2 o'clock came then 3. The ward phoned up as Billy was starting to get very hungry and very upset. He was only 3 and was really struggling with not being able to eat. I think he also just wanted to get down there, it must have been hard for him as he had been prepared by so many people and they still kept coming back to do obs!
Finally about 3.45 they came to get him, he got a bit scared then, so I carried him down there. The operating theatre is on the floor below but it seemed like it was in the next time. He was really good though and they let me stay with him and hold his hand until he went to sleep. I still wasn't used to watching my son go under, I still don't think I am now, its awful one minute they are there the next not and they are so floppy. I left him in tears and went back to the ward. The nurses tried to comfort me as we went up but no one could.
All kinds of thing were going through my head, would he wake up, was he going to be alright? What if they found something else when they did the op? He was my baby, my little boy and he was going to come back different, with something inside him. They had shown us picture of how the port would stick out and I just worried.
Kirst was fab and made me go downstairs and eat a burger king! Bizarrely it was the best thing I had ever eaten, just what I needed. We ate, had a look around the shops bought some magazines and supplies for later and cards for Billy. We saw a balloon in the next shop and I just had to get it ready for him coming back to the room.
We went back upstairs and Billy wasn't back and he wasn't even ready to come back. The next half hour or so seemed to drag and we tried to take me mind off it. Then i heard them say he's ready!! I was so excited, they said he was awake, I was so so relieved. They then told me to be prepared as he was quite distressed. When we got downstairs I could hear him before I could see him.
We went into the recovery room and there was my gorgeous little Billy on a bed crying. I just ran up and held his hand, I couldn't cuddle him properly because of the bandages. He was so unhappy, obviously in pain and couldn't work out where he was. This scared the life out of me but I had to mask these feeling and just be there. He didn't look alright at all. What had I agreed to? Was this a taste of what we had coming?
Back on the ward Kirsty was waiting for us, bless her she waited even thought she had a long journey back ahead of her. I could see her face when we came back in and she was shocked too. The nurses were amazing and got him some painkillers. They didn't seem to do anything and he wouldn't eat and was very distressed. The doctors suggested everyone but me leave the room as he was so unhappy. felt awful but they understood.
Watching Billy in bed, wired up to all kinds of machines, on all kins of medicines was awful. You never imagine this will happen to your child. He was 3 that is no age, why on earth was this happening to us? I was scared a lot as to what the future would bring, what effects would the chemo have on him, would it change him.
This day had changed things even more for us, It made things even more real. Made me face what was coming and left me wondering how I would get through it and would I be strong enough to help Billy get through it?
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