Tuesday

After a night of next to no sleep for me, but a surprisingly good night for Billy Tuesday came. This should have been a sign for me of how well I would be come acquainted with Red Bull and other caffeine based drinks!  The noises of the ward were all around us, nurses talking, phones ringing and doors opening and shutting.

Billy wasn't allowed to eat as he was having a general anaesthetic and he was actually very good about it.  I was feeling very nervous, nervous enough to make me sick.  What answers would I get today, were they going to be good or bad?

Billy was right near the top of the list of paitients who were going to have procedures.  This meant it should be over and done with quite quickly without much waiting about.  The waiting is the worst.  You have to try to amuse the kids whilst keeping their minds off the fact they are hungry and that they are about to have anaesthetic.

The Nurses came round again, made sure his blood pressure, temperature and other obs were all ok.  He had more antibiotics then the consultant came round to check we were ok, explain again what was happening and to get me to sign a couple of consent forms.  When you actually read them they are scary.  A whole list of things that could happen if things went wrong.  Although its a small chance its enough to make you think.  My nerves were bad enough then to read the forms thing were magnified again.  Was this the right thing to do?  Was it right or was it all a big mistake?

Next thing i knew it was the time to take him to the room where he would have his anaesthetic.  I carried him in my arms and he seemed quite cheerful.  He asked me to make sure he had a big bar of chocolate for when he woke up as that was what he wanted! I remember the consultant saying get him one but only a small one as he might not feel ready for it. 

We walked into the room, I was so so scared. This was it, real again.  Was e going to be ok? There was what seemed a massive amount of people ( although it was probably only 5). They laid him on the bed at which point he started to get a bit worried and ask me what was going on.  This broke my heart.  He wanted me to cuddle him which they let me do.  Then the anaesthetic was put into his arm, suddenly that was it he was floppy and asleep.

That was it, I broke down.  It was too much, I kissed him and they ushered me out.  I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave him.  He looked so little so on his own.  Watching your child being put to sleep is the worse thing in the world I imagined it was what it would be like to watch him die, one minute there the next nothing.  It was horrible I just wanted my baby awake.  Why was this happening. I was there on my own which probably make it worse.

One of the doctors followed me out of the room and asked me to sign more paperwork.  One of the things that they wanted me to sign for was the chemo.  Me sign for chemo to say it was right, what sis I know?  How could I sign for something?  This was getting more and more scary,  They assured me it was all ok and off they went.

I was told to go downstairs get what i needed form the shops and when I came back we were being moved into a room.  I thought we were only there for one night, what was going on??  I did literally run downstairs to the shops and get a few bits but I was up and down in about 10 minutes.  I wanted to be there to wait for Billy waking up.  Why wasn't he straight awake and ready? Whilst he was still asleep they helped me to move all of our stuff into a room.

My phone kept beeping with supportive texts.  This didn't really help much although it was nice to hear people cared.  I just wanted to have someone there to give me a cuddle, tell me it was all going to be ok and to make everything all right.  But there was no one.  When was Billy going to wake up, he was my world and I was his....