Diagnosis

Well this is a hard post to write.  Even now 20 months on I still find the feelings and emotions I felt this time so hard and so raw.  I can honestly say I would want my worst enemy to go through what I did, but we've made it this far so I guess I am doing something right!

I had known that something was wrong with Billy for a few months, don't ask me how I knew I just knew.  I started taking him to the doctors just before Christmas as his glands in his neck were up like little peas. I didn't get our doctor but one of the others at the surgery who put it down to the fact he had the swine flu jab a few weeks before.  In January his glands were still the same, his nursery had spotted it too and mentioned to me so back off to the doctors we went. Again a different doctor and again I was told it was nothing, he had a cold or a virus.

This process was repeated a couple more times and I began to doubt myself, was I being a neurotic mother? I went back just before Easter for the 5th time and the doctor we saw, who I will be forever grateful to, said that if they were still up in a month he would refer Billy for blood tests.  I went home a bit more relieved that someone was taking me seriously but I still had nagging in my head.  I was sure that there was something very badly wrong.

It wasn't like Billy was what anyone would call 'ill'. It was just a number of things. He seemed to be a lot more tired, having afternoon sleeps again which he hadn't for a year or so. He had less energy than before, wasn't interested in much.  He seemed to be getting more bruises than before and to me he seemed pale.  A few friends and family said they couldn't see it but i could.

After a bad night worrying about everything I phoned and spoke to the doctor and said I would like the test sooner and even if I had to pay could i get them done? He said straight away if it was worrying me this much then he would organise it asap.  As it was Easter the next appointment we could have was the next Wednesday morning.

Easter came and went, we surrounded ourselves with friends and had a great time, lots of lovely food and I did an Easter Egg hunt indoors for Billy. I did confide in my closest friends I was worried but they kept my spirits up!

Wednesday morning came and off we went, magic cream was applied and the blood test done, even that was quite scary for us, but Billy took it in his stride and went straight back to nursery after ward. The next night I had a phone call from the doctor saying that he had reviewed our notes and Billy was going to be referred to a consultant.  He said not to panic but it might be quite soon as Billy was young.  It did seem odd to me but was pleased something was happening.  The next night, Friday, i got a phone call from Martin, who is now our consultant, at 7.30 at night saying he would like to see Billy asap, which was Tuesday at 11am.

Now this scared the life out of me, I honestly realised that my worst fears were starting to come true. I phoned my mum and close friends and they all seemed a bit concerned for us too.  I decided I needed a glass or two of wine to calm me down, well who wouldn't!! I am lucky that I had a few friends to talk to death that night.

I took Billy on the Tuesday to see the consultant and my mum came along.  At one point my mum had said I was wasting people's time and Billy was fine, how she would come to regret that.  The consultant was lovely, made me feel at ease, examined Billy all over.  Typically Billy was Billy, full of life, full of 3 year old attitude and full of himself!The consultant's thought the glands being up was odd and the reason needed to be found.  He actually said he was 99% sure that Billy didn't have leukaemia as he looked too well but he was going to have to test to rule it out.

Billy had to go and have another blood test and a chest xray and then we could go.  I was fitting these appointments into my lunch hours so I was rushing about a lot, the guilt of a working mum.  Billy went back to nursery again quite happily and I remember my mum saying at least it was nothing horrible like Leukaemia. 

I remember all this like it was yesterday, the fear and up and downs I was experiencing were very bad, I had stoped smoking a few months before, I had never smoked in front of Billy just the odd cigarette when I was out, and even this didn't make me crave.  I went through various outcomes in my head, googled his symptoms which to be honest was the worst thing that I could have done.  I was then presented with lots of differnt scenarios from Leukaemia to Hogkins Lymphoma.  Why oh why did I google it?

What was wong with my son? Was I a bit paranoid or was I doing the right thing? The blood tests were upsetting for him.  One of the reasons I was so pushy is that Billy had been hospitalized 2 years previously with infected Lymph glands that required a lot of treatment and no one could explain why he had them. A doctor told me at the time that if they came up again within the year Billy could have an immune system problem.  Although it was over the year was this it?  Did he have an issue with his immune system?

As I have said before I am a single mum and it is just the two of us, no one else.  His dad is not involved with us, but thats another story.  I had to make all the decisions on my own, no one to discuss it with, no one to really be able to talk my fears over with.  In the middle of the night when I was in tears who could i tell? who could i bounce thoughts off? I could cope with being a single mum but this added a whole new dimension to it.  What if I should have done more? Should I have pushed for more tests before?

Anyone who goes through this will tell you this is the scariest thing, the waiting, even though its not that long, the time drags, and drags.  Your mind thinks of all kinds of things, then it magnifies those thoughts and it is the only thing that you can think of. The first thing on your mind is your child and the last thing at night.

Still I got up every day and I went to work.  I made sure Billy and I did things like normal, he had school and swimming lessons.  We has little treats like Dominos Pizza, went to the park, saw friends and I treid to forget it all!  I would much rather have been able to be at home and just be me and Billy until we knew what was going on but that wouldn't pay our bills.

If I thought this was bad, it was only going to get worse, sometimes the not knowing is a good thing, knowing just makes it worse!  Next blog I will tell you what happened to us next.